in_the_blood | (ataraxion) ic inbox

Hoooo boy. Okay, sure. Why not? Disclaimer: you're probably not going like this.

Let's see. Father issues up the wazoo, mostly caused by being seen as a pawn by said dads to further their own goals rather than as actual people. A healthy dose of ostracism and self-hatred for being born different. Yearning to be accepted by our only sibling. What have I left out? Oh yeah, wondering if maybe you're monster?? Occasionally driven to bouts of psychosis when in despair? Wondering if there's any place for yourself left in this world??

... I think that about covers it.

[Ouch. Each item on the 'list' hits at the heart of the matter, slicing right through all those layers of "I don't give a flying fuck"s that Loki makes an effort to build around himself.

Well. He did ask, after all.]

...Your Loki was quite open with you. Somehow I find this to be an uncomfortable notion. [For what version of him would spill himself in that manner? To a mortal nonetheless? There are things there that he will not even speak with to Thor, unless provoked. It settles ill with him.]

Needless to say, it would be most appreciated if you do not speak of these things to others. There are many reasons why I keep them to myself.

That being said, why ever does any that apply to yourself as well? It is only fair that you share.

... It took a long time, and ... you don't have to worry, I wouldn't ever tell anyone else.

[Cassie opens her thermos to take a sip of that tea.]

... I didn't know my dad, for a long time. I was always told that he was dead. After my mom died, though... he showed up. Said he wanted to get to know me, said he loved my mom, that he'd only stayed away for our safety, because a lot of people wanted him dead, stuff like that. Everyone told me not to buy it, and I didn't at first. I'd been angry at him for seventeen years, what gave him the right to suddenly show up and call himself my dad? ... But he won me over. I guess I really did want his approval or something.

It makes me feel sick when I think about how easily I was manipulated. I was just a tool to him... he just wanted to create a child with the bloodline of the most powerful dark magic combined with the bloodline of the most powerful white magic, then make sure she was sad and alone enough that she would trust him and be easily molded. Could be his little puppet, his tool for war.

... Even among witches, dark magic is feared and spurned. I thought I'd finally found a place where I fit in, but ... when we found out I had it, it kinda ... strained relationships just a lil' bit. Suddenly I was just a ticking time bomb. My friends were scared of me, and my half sister ran away with her boyfriend so she could be as far away as possible from me. The only person who ever liked and accepted me for myself ... had his memory fucked with by my dad, so he couldn't remember why he liked me. To be honest, the worst part is? I don't even blame the others. I'm scared of me, too.

... So yeah, that's me.

Edited 2013-11-10 23:32 (UTC)

[Though empathy does not come quickly to one such as Loki, he cannot help but feel a strain of sympathy upon hearing Cassie explain herself. He can draw the parallels, easily, between his situation and hers. And though there are prominent differences, as well, the heart of it feels dangerously familiar to his own sense of self.]

You have my sympathies.

[But.]

Yet you are no monster. From what I hear, you are a well of potential, untapped. You should not fear the power you possess.

[Cassie actually laughs when he says that-- that she's not a monster? Ha ha ha. It's small and restrained thing, like an in-joke that only she finds funny. There's an edge of bitterness to it too, well-hidden but there.]

You know... you said the exact same thing to me last time, too. But I didn't believe you then, and I don't believe you now.

You haven't seen what I can do. What I have done. I thought I could control it, but I can't. All I have to do is get angry with someone and then suddenly! I'm force-choking them like I'm Darth Vader or something. --Sorry, pop culture reference. Anyway, the point is, dark magic can't be controlled. It controls you.

Edited 2013-11-14 07:39 (UTC)

[And Loki doesn't look completely convinced of that.] Dark magic is not unheard of in Asgard. There are a few, in fact, that can control it without issue at all.

[Hela for instance. What a scary lady she can be.]

Perhaps you need a proper sort of instructor.

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